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- Lazy Bull Weekly #8 — “The Recycled Deal & The $3,500 iPhone
Lazy Bull Weekly #8 — “The Recycled Deal & The $3,500 iPhone
Markets wobble. Apple bleeds. Tariffs bark. Lazy Bull? Still chillin’.
🇺🇸 United States: Same Game, New Threats
Trump: “Let’s Try 50% This Time”
Trump dusted off the trade war playbook and threatened 50% tariffs on the EU starting June 1.
Reason? “They owe us.” Also: $250B trade deficit. Also: It’s May and chaos needed a plot twist.
Then came the Apple curveball:
25% tariffs on iPhones not made in the U.S.
Because nothing screams “re-elect me” like tripling the cost of your favorite doomscrolling device.
Analysts say a U.S.-made iPhone would cost $3,500 basically a MacBook Pro that happens to take selfies.
Apple stock fell 6% for the week
$70B market cap gone
Tim Cook is somewhere deep breathing into a paper bag
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said:
“Big trade deals are coming.”
Which sounds like the economic version of “my dad works at Nintendo.”
Let’s be real ,Trump throws out a tariff, waits for headlines, pauses the whole thing, and calls it a win. We've seen this rerun. It's giving Season 3 energy.
📉 Markets: Momentum? Deleted.
The S&P 500’s 6-day win streak got body-slammed.
All major indices S&P, Dow, Nasdaq ended the week down 2%+.
Why?
Treasury yields jumped
Tax cut whispers resurfaced
The CBO whispered back: “Hey, if you do that, public debt hits 220% of GDP by 2050”
So yeah… not exactly bullish vibes.
📊 Economic Jazz Hands
Jobless claims: 227K (better than expected — yay!)
Existing home sales: 4.00M (missed forecast — boo!)
Next week: PCE, GDP, consumer confidence — bring snacks
TL;DR: The economy’s that person at a party who’s smiling and twitching at the same time.
🏢 Corporate Whiplash
Urban Outfitters: +22.8% — apparently Gen Z still loves ironic tees
Advance Auto Parts: +57% — “We didn’t lose that much” is now bullish
Wolfspeed: -60% — rumor mill + bankruptcy = RIP speed
Nvidia earnings incoming. No pressure, Jensen just carry the entire S&P 500 on your GPU.
🇪🇺 Europe: Calm Emails, Nervous Glances
Trump’s EU tariff threat landed like a LinkedIn cold DM.
The EU responded like annoyed professionals: polite, revised proposal, existential dread.
Volvo warned: Your next EV may cost as much as a down payment.
DAX & CAC 40 had early-week gains thanks to “U.S.-China optimism,”
aka the market’s version of false hope.
📉 Europe’s Vibe Check:
Eurozone growth: downgraded to 0.9% (2025)
Germany: growing at a strong 0% (yes, zero)
Unemployment expected to fall to 5.7% (2026) …. neat
EU farmers losing €28.3B/year to weather. Just vibes and floods.
📦 Lazy Bull Portfolio Proportions (2025 Edition)
This portfolio won’t win awards. But it won’t cry during Fed meetings either.
Asset Class | Target % | Strategy |
|---|---|---|
Global Equity ETFs | 40% | VTI, SPY, VWRA low-cost, high boredom, long-term glory. |
Dividend Stocks | 15% | Passive income from corporations older than your broker. SCHD, VYM, etc. |
REITs | 10% | Because you can’t afford actual property. VNQ or regionals. |
Bonds (Intermediate) | 15% | BND, TLT for when stocks act drunk and you need a designated driver. |
Gold & Bitcoin | 10% | One’s shiny. One’s volatile. Both hate inflation. |
Cash / T-Bills / MMF | 10% | Dry powder. High yield. No stress. |
Rebalance quarterly.
If it feels exciting, it’s probably dumb.
🧠 Final Thought:
This week:
🍎 Apple got Cooked.
📢 Trump re-ran a classic.
💾 Nvidia might need to bench press the market.
Meanwhile, you?
Still holding boring ETFs, clipping dividends, and letting compound interest do its thing.
That’s the Lazy Bull edge:
We don’t panic. We reposition. Then we nap.
🙏 PS: Massive Thanks
To everyone who replied a kind word or recommendation this past week appreciate it a lot.
Whether you’re here for the sarcasm, the strategy, or just to feel less alone during market chaos… you’re the reason Lazy Bull exists.
Thanks for being part of this weird, wonderful herd.
– Lazy Bull
Disclaimer: This is not financial advice. The content provided is for informational purposes only. Always do your own research
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